Private Eye

Do you ever get the feeling you're being watched? Maybe this guy just walked past.

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

I don't care what other people say about Mary-Kate Olsen. Style isn't dictated by the norm or convention or a set formula. It's about being disruptive and doing it with poise. No one does this better than her. Who else can make a white T-shirt, neon pink CFM heels and an emu-inspired dress look like haute couture?

style is...

Meet Koala Lai. Full-time music composer, part-time satirist, one-time pimp, one-eighth Vietnamese, once, twice, three times a Lady's Man. 100% style.

don't stare at my calves

Forget teetering on those 5-inch CFM shoes to make those 2 legs of ham you call your calves look a millimeter slimmer by optical illusion. Try these tres chic foot couture to draw attention away from them instead.

While I am on the topic of fancy footwear, under no circumstances should you wear the below unless you are one of the following:

a) A famous country singer with a penchant for anything denim
b) Jennifer Coolidge (a.k.a Stifler's mum) in Legally Blonde 2
c) A rooster by name or birth or personality (i.e. you're a cock!)
d) A powerfully built bipedal apelike creature between 7 and 10 feet (2.10 and 3 meters) tall, and covered in dark brown or dark reddish hair, better known as Bigfoot or Sasquatch

Then again, maybe not.

jeans have feelings too

It isn't enough that you have the haircut of someone from Planet Idiot, the body of a 12-year-old and the IQ of a carcass. Now you can tell the whole wide world you aren't getting laid by the jeans you wear. Why else would your crotch be so sad?

my favourite things

These are a few of my favourite things. Hares with red ribbons and skullbones with gristle. Period wigs and wet fur on big grizzlies. Chirping birds and pointy shoes that kill you. Girls in puffy frocks and smith & wesson pistols. When I am feeling sad, I simply remember my favourite things and then I don't feel so bad.

hunting chic

Back in the 1950s, my great grandmother owned rubber plantations in Malaysia. Wild boars roamed the compound and many a night would see roasted boar on the dinner table. If we still had to hunt for our food, maybe we would still have a little competitive spirit in us, rather than the lazy fucking fastfood slobs we have slowly degenerated into.

And who says you can't hunt in style? With this wool jumper and the tartan hunting hat, I dare you not to catch a small animal home. I hear iguanas taste really good in a brown gravy with mustard.

retards

It’s amazing how many guys still strut around town wearing the collars of their polo jerseys up, thinking it’s the coolest thing since brick phones. The next time you see a guy with his collar pointed towards the heavens, teach the man a lesson.

We can’t teach good taste but we can eradicate bad taste. Together we can make a difference.